Skip to main content

Negative Chatter, the Self-Esteem Killer

Lately there has been a lot of negative chatter in my head.  At first I really didn’t pay it any attention; I just pushed the chatter into the back of my head.  But the chatter became louder and louder and harder and harder to push back.  Then the unthinkable happened…I begin to listen to it and unfortunately I started to believe it.

Throughout my life I have gone through cycles of low self-esteem.  The cycle would usually be triggered by an event such as being rejected by a boy when I was a teenager or not getting a job I applied for as an adult.  The cycle could last a couple of weeks or go on for a few months.  During these cycles I question everything from my looks, intelligence, and abilities.  And regardless if people tell me otherwise, I only see the worst in myself.  I am going through one of those cycles now.

The negative chatter started when I begin my pre-season triathlon training in November.  I had taken too much time off from my sprint triathlon and had lost a significant amount of my fitness.  The first time on the trainer I was out of breath and my legs were on fire, even though the resistance was set very low.  The chatter became louder as I began running with my teammates during Thursday morning training sessions.  I would be in the back of the pack, huffing and puffing, just trying to keep them in my eyesight.  Now the chatter is really loud because even though I have found my inner fish, she is skittish.  Lately I have been having panic attacks whenever I swim.  The attacks do not stop me from doing my workouts, but it takes a long time to do them because I keep stopping to catch my breath and compose myself.

So once again I have fallen into the trap of listening to that negative chatter.  I am questioning my ability to even attempt the Monticelloman Olympic Tri in May.  My panic attacks have me frustrated and wondering if I should just stick to running and cycling….hello duathlons.  During some team workouts I feel inferior to my other teammates to the point that I just want to stop and go home. 

At times I have repeated the negative chatter I hear to others.  I don’t realize it at first until someone, such as my husband, or one of my coaches, calls me out on it.  I don’t like where I am mentally right now in regards to my training.  Training for any type of endurance sport is just not physical, but mental too.  I have to be focused and mentally tough if I am going to complete this 70.3 journey I am on and achieve the goals that I have set for myself.

Well today I served the negative chatter an eviction notice.  Enough is enough!  I have come too far as a triathlete to allow my training to be detoured by my own doing.  As some of older relatives would say, “it’s time to get my head right.”  I know the negative chatter is not going leave willingly or easily.  I allowed it to make itself at home.  As with training, I have a plan to   
follow to rid myself of my nemesis.

First, I will reflect on the progress that I have made in my training.  I know I am stronger and faster than I was prior to my training.  Even though I am dealing with panic attacks while I swim, I AM becoming a better swimmer.  Furthermore, sooner or later these panic attacks will subside.  Secondly, when the negative chatter tries to invade, I will fight it with a song, bible verse, or mantra that brings me inner strength.  Lastly, I will ask for encouragement from my husband, friends, family, and teammates and I will BELIEVE them when they encourage me.  

So my battle with the negative chatter is on.  I am fighting it with everything I got and I do not expect to fail.  I have too much to accomplish in 2012.    

Comments

  1. Great blog and self-awareness! Training with a group is good and bad. The bad is it is easy to compare, I'm not as fast as them, I'm not doing as much as them, I'm always injured. The good is that we all motivate each other. You can see everyone is working together towards a goal. As much as the negative chatter takes over my brain I'm still finding the group environment so wonderful and inspirational. We have a great group training this year and you make it one of many reason I'm so happy to be with the team again this year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're doing really well in your training and I'd hate to see you give up! I wish that when you feel like that - when the negative chatter starts - you would see yourself as I see you: strong, confident, able, and AMAZING! Go, Diva, Go!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

All I Can Do is Tri

“The only failure is not to try, because putting forth the effort is success in itself.”   The Iron Nun, Sister Madonna Buder My big race, the Monticelloman Olympic Triathlon (1500 meter swim, 24 mile bike, 10k (6.2 mile run)) is less than a week away.   I am a bundle of nerves and energy.   This is supposed to be my taper week, but I know it’s going to be hard to keep still.   My plan is to work on cleaning out my closet, switching out my clothes, and begin reading the ’50 Shades of Gray’ series to keep myself preoccupied.   We’ll see how that goes. I want to say I am 100% confident about this race, but I’m not.   I am still a little concerned about the swim.   I just relearned how to swim freestyle in 10 weeks.   Things are just starting to click for me in the water.   I wish I had more time, but I don’t, my crazy train is almost at its destination.   I told my swim coach that I would do my best not to embarrass her at the rac...

Finding My Inner Fish

I am a Pisces.   I LOVE the water!   I enjoy listening to the waves crash against the surf at Virginia Beach.   Watching the James River meander through the city relaxes me.   Swimming in the water that I love so much....that’s a different story. As a kid I learned how to survival swim.   I could swim well enough to play in the pool and at Water Country USA without drowning, but that’s about it.   Survival swimming also meant I learned how to swim with my head above the water.   Survival swimming is not something you want to do during a triathlon.   It is inefficient and will cause you to tire out very quickly. Once I got it into my head that I was going to do a sprint triathlon, I knew I had to learn how to swim correctly.   I became a community member at my local YMCA and began taking swimming lessons.   Each lesson was a struggle.   I couldn’t swim 25 meters without stopping several times.   Instead of embracing the...

Facing My Ghost

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them.   How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives.   To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.”   Judy Blume On Sunday, May 5 th , I will be returning to Lake Monticello (Charlottesville) to participate in the Monticelloman Olympic triathlon.   The first time I attempted to compete in this race, things did not go well.   I DNF’d.   I didn’t make it past the 1500 meter open water swim portion of the race.   I lost valuable time from panicking in the water and did not make the 50 minute time cut-off.   I was pulled out of the water and brought to shore.   I was embarrassed, angry and inconsolable.   Over the next couple of days after the race, I considered quitting triathlon.   I honestly thought I was not good enough to be a triathlete.   I didn’t want to face my husband, coaches, especially my swim...