Skip to main content

Little “a” and Big “A”

Little “a” is my new name for Alzheimer’s.  I came up with that name from my friends that have battled against cancer and they call it Little “c”.  By calling it Little “a”, it takes away its power.  Since my mother was diagnosed I have given Little “a” too much power.  At times I allowed it to make me feel overwhelmed, useless, and helpless.  I allowed Little “a” to bring the darkness upon me.  The darkness is my name for depression.  I have dealt with the darkness before, such as when I was laid off unexpectedly and when my father passed away.  Little “a” momentarily had me thinking there was no way out of the darkness, that all was lost.  Fortunately with the support of my husband I reached out and got the help that I needed.

Part of my early treatment with Little “a” meant joining a Little “a” care giver support group, going to see my therapist (everyone should have a therapist on speed dial), and being placed on a low dosage anti-depressant.  I know there are many in the African-American and faith communities that look down on those that seek mental health treatment – either it’s for weak-minded / truly crazy people or those who do not have strong faith.  I do not prescribe to either of those ways of backward thinking.  As far as I am concerned, mental health is just as important as physical health.  Unfortunately that even though I was on the right path with facing the darkness, I did not fully deal with it.  I was doing just enough to cope and get by.

To keep the darkness from Little “a” off my back I threw myself into my training and racing.  Being physically active is a great way to battle the darkness, but I was not giving myself a lot of downtime to really process how I was feeling and how my life was changing.  Since my race season is pretty much over, I have had the time to really process my feelings and come to some truths.  More importantly, I’m embracing Big “A,” Acceptance. 

I have Accepted the fact that even though I’m a fixer, I cannot fix my mother.  She has Little “a”.  I don’t how far her illness will progress or how long she will be able to live at home.  All I can do is rely on my faith, hope for the best, and do what I can to help her.  I have Accepted that my mother is dependent upon me and our relationship is changing.  At times I’m more of the mother figure, but there are still days when God blesses me by giving me glimpses of my mom pre-Little “a”.  I've Accepted to no longer fight the additional responsibilities that I have to take on, but instead embrace them.  I have the opportunity to pay her back just a little for all she has done and sacrificed for me.  Even though my mother and I are very close, prior to Little “a” she and I lived very separate lives.  We would talk a couple of times per day several days per week, but we saw each other about twice a month.  I would be doing my own thing and she would be doing hers.  This is a special time for us.  I have Accepted that it’s ok to be angry about Little “a,” as long as I’m not angry at my mom.  She didn’t ask for this and she has very little control over it.  All she can do is take her meds and stay mentally active to slow it down.  Lastly, and most importantly, I have Accepted that my situation with my mom could be so much worse!  There are plenty of care givers who would love to change places with me.  My mom doesn’t give me any trouble; she and I work as a team.  She values my guidance and is very appreciative for everything that I do for her.  Yes Little “a” is a spawn from hell, but I’m determined to make the best of this situation.


As always thank you for reading my post, and if you have not done already, please consider click here to make a donation on my Athletes to End Little “a” fundraising page.          

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Breaking Free

“Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer.”   Dorothy Rowe Wow, it’s been 7 months since my last blog post.  So much has happened since then.  I have gone back and forth in my mind about writing this post since it’s so personal, but I believe in my heart that someone needs to read this post.  That by reading this post someone may take that step to get help for themselves. My name is Sabrina Adams and periodically I suffer from bouts of depression.  There, I have put it out there.  I feel free and terrified all at the same time.  My bouts of depression are usually caused by a traumatic event, but sometimes I become depressed for no apparent reason.  Throughout my adult life I have sought help from therapists and in recent years I have been placed on a low dosage antidepressant.  When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s on New Year’s Eve 2012, I spiraled into depressive state.  ...

Finding My Inner Fish

I am a Pisces.   I LOVE the water!   I enjoy listening to the waves crash against the surf at Virginia Beach.   Watching the James River meander through the city relaxes me.   Swimming in the water that I love so much....that’s a different story. As a kid I learned how to survival swim.   I could swim well enough to play in the pool and at Water Country USA without drowning, but that’s about it.   Survival swimming also meant I learned how to swim with my head above the water.   Survival swimming is not something you want to do during a triathlon.   It is inefficient and will cause you to tire out very quickly. Once I got it into my head that I was going to do a sprint triathlon, I knew I had to learn how to swim correctly.   I became a community member at my local YMCA and began taking swimming lessons.   Each lesson was a struggle.   I couldn’t swim 25 meters without stopping several times.   Instead of embracing the...

Negative Chatter, the Self-Esteem Killer

Lately there has been a lot of negative chatter in my head.   At first I really didn’t pay it any attention; I just pushed the chatter into the back of my head.   But the chatter became louder and louder and harder and harder to push back.   Then the unthinkable happened…I begin to listen to it and unfortunately I started to believe it. Throughout my life I have gone through cycles of low self-esteem.   The cycle would usually be triggered by an event such as being rejected by a boy when I was a teenager or not getting a job I applied for as an adult.   The cycle could last a couple of weeks or go on for a few months.   During these cycles I question everything from my looks, intelligence, and abilities.   And regardless if people tell me otherwise, I only see the worst in myself.   I am going through one of those cycles now. The negative chatter started when I begin my pre-season triathlon training in November.   I had taken too muc...