“There
is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressible – a wound
that will never quite heal.” Susan Wiggs
My
mom’s Alzheimer’s is progressing. It’s
not anything alarming such as her not knowing who I am or wandering off, it’s
the little things. She becomes confused
more easily, sometimes it is difficult for her to follow a conversation, and
she is repeating herself more often. It
is heartbreaking to watch my mom slowly drift away. Even at 40 years old, I need my mom.
I
need her to help me deal with the recent passing of a friend and fellow
competitor. I am having a difficult time
accepting that my friend is gone. Prior
to her becoming ill, she was the epitome of total wellness. She had a radiant, infectious smile that would
make her stand out in a crowd. She was
an accomplished runner and triathlete, a personal trainer, and a coach. She set the example on how one could live a
healthy and active lifestyle in spite of having diabetes. She encouraged others to pursue a life of
health and fitness by stepping out of their comfort zones. She and I competed in several races together;
I will miss seeing her at races.
Initially
I didn't tell my mom about my friend’s passing, but she knew something was
wrong with me. When I told her, she
tried her best to console me, but she had to keep asking me the same questions
repeatedly to fully grasp our conversation.
It hurts to see my once strong, independent mother become more and more
childlike. She is completely dependent
on me. I didn't think our lives would be
like this.
My
mom and I have been best friends ever since I moved out after my junior year in
college. We both lived very independent
lives, but we stayed connected by talking on the phone almost every day,
sometimes several times a day. I could
call her day or night, and she would be there to listen, to offer a word of
wisdom, and pray over me if needed. And
if I was in the wrong, she would tell me.
My mom had no problem showing me tough love!
I
thought she and I would go through life in our traditional mother/daughter
roles, but that is not the case. I am
now the mother and she is the daughter.
It is my responsibility to protect her, keep her safe, and enhance her
happiness. I have no issues taking care
of my mom, but I would be lying if I said I was not reluctant taking on the
mother role.
Early
in my marriage I decided that I did not want to have children unless my husband
wanted them. Fortunately for me, my
husband did not want children either.
Please understand, I love kids, but I never really had that desire to be
a mom. Furthermore, children are a huge
responsibility and they are completely dependent on you for who knows how long. I enjoyed the freedom and flexibility of
being married without children. Now that
my mom has Alzheimer’s, things have changed.
I can no longer get up and go. I
have to make sure things are in place so that my mom is ok while I am
gone. She is completely dependent on me.
I
manage her finances, medications, doctor appointments and pretty much any other
aspect of her life. I have to know her
medical history, allergic reactions, and what medications she is taking. I practically have to think for 2
people. Usually I can handle the
responsibility, but some days it’s just overwhelming. And I don’t know how I am going to handle if
and when things get worse. One thing I
know for sure, I do not want my mom to die of Alzheimer’s. I pray God will transition her before she
becomes a complete non-functioning shell of herself.
Until
that time comes I will do the best I can to look after my mom and enjoy those glimpses
of her that appear more often than not.
I know I can’t turn back time nor is there a cure for Alzheimer’s, but I
wish I could have my mom back. I need
her.
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